Life Lesson #29

While doing something completely psychotic in the workplace AND being observed by a fellow co-worker do not yell "I SWEAR I'M NOT CRAZY." You will unknowingly make the situation worse and make said co-worker consider calling the nice men in the white jackets to have you removed.

THINGS

Things That Make Me Uncomfortable
By: Mandy Crane




Sexually suggestive country songs
Old women in sexy thongs
groovy glass bongs

Bitches who think they are fine
Working till nine
Waiting in line

Awkward telephone calls
Over crowded malls
Drunken falls

Co-workers who have gone mad
Milk that has gone bad
The word "lad"

Things that go bump in the night
People who aren't very bright
A stupid fight

People who think they can sing
Rappers and their bling
"The Ring"

Children who won't share
When life isn't fair
Body hair

Money that I spent
Paying rent
lent

Life Lesson #178

Always remove retainer at the first sign of nausea.


...

Another day, another dollar

DumbDumb : "Excuse me sir, how much are your watermelons?"
Mandy : *Looks over shoulder*
DumbDumb : "How much are your watermelons, sir?"
Mandy : "Oh hell no."
DumbDumb : "The watermelons?"
Mandy : *blank stare* "$5.99"

This is a common occurance for me. I come home, sit in front of my computer, eat food that is no where near as delicious as anticipated and try to pin point the most fucked up conversation I've had that day. Today, this one wins.
And I must thank you, Mr. DumbDumb. Thank you for confirming my tiny titty theory.

10 ways to get back at an ex

1.) you know his best friend...the guy he can't live without? show up at his apartment wearing only a trench coat.

2.) hack into his facebook profile and change his interests to freeganism, Paul Reiser and face tattoos.

3.) decorate his car with a bumper sticker that declares "small penis on board."

4.) wait until hes dining with a new date, then call the restaurant and ask them to tell him that "his kids are on the phone and they're wondering how long they'll have to wait out in the cold."

5.) become really, really, really hot.

6.) when u go over to his place to claim your belongings, stealthily swipe all of his remotes.

7.) gain notoriety for your blog "hilarious things I found in my ex's trash."

8.) casually mention to him that you finally got around to all those kinky sexual fantasies that he was dying to try with you and, well, they're fantastic.

9.) pay your pregnant friend to pee on a stick that you leave for him with a thanks for nothing note attached.

10.) write your names inside a big heart on his lawn... with gasoline. have a match ready for when he arrives.

I've Never...

:been on a picnic
::had sushi
:::rode a roller coaster
::::been on a train
:::::been on a ferris wheel
::::::gotten paid for doing something I love
:::::::been in two places at once
::::::::had a tattoo
:::::::::cheated on someone
::::::::::hated someone
:::::::::::been on a motorcycle
::::::::::::went a full day without swearing
:::::::::::::had dinner at candle light
::::::::::::::missed an episode of survivor
What's something you have never done? :P

You're So Vain, You Probly Think This Song Is About You.

Irony

An outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

That is all.