Saturday, December 19, 2009


Was I the only sheltered, not-so-bright child who thought we would have flying cars by 2010? Like full out Jetsons kinda deal. Uuuhhh anyway its almost 2010. Do you know what that means? It's time for new years resolutions and then people failing miserably at them. I've never had one of these resolution thingys before... so why not give it a shot? I couldn't possibly give up chocolate because that's better than sex, and I couldn't give up sex because that's better than chocolate. Whatever, it makes sense in my head. I like shopping too much and I'm not about to start up weight watchers again. We all know how that ended. (not my fault it was a stupid points system with a stupid rule book and green "healthy" food.) ANYWAY, in the middle of a conversation with my lovely aunt who could be easily mistaken for a truck driver BAM it hit me. Just like that little bitch in gym class 6 years years ago. I COULD GIVE UP THE F BOMB. Yank that sucker out of my vocabulary. Do it for new years and bring my aunt down with me.

I Amanda promise not to use the following words after january 1st 2010 :
fucktard (man, that one's my favourite)

...aaand maybe i'll try to be a nicer person.

This is gunna suck.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Mama always told me...

... that if I can't say anything nice, I shouldn't say anything at all. Well guess what? I'm on an island 3 thousand km away from Mama (and she doesn't know what a 'blog thingy' is) so I'm gunna go ahead and spill my guts. Lets kick this Mandy style and make a happy little list.

1.) Fuck you and your Christmas spirit. It's only the 17th. I will accept your ho-ho-hos, happy holidays and fake smiles from the 23rd till the 26th. I don't have time for your bullshit before or after those dates. Keep your nonsense to yourself and I promise to be nice.
2.) Fuck bills. Do you see money pouring out of my ass? Do you see me watering my gigantic money tree in the backyard daily? NO. Stop sending them to me, you're only making me crabby.
3.) Fuck delayed flights. So help me God, if my flight is even 5 minutes late on Christmas morning, I will make sure to make those 3 hours and 45 minutes hell for every single person on board.
4.) Fuck Wal-Mart Christmas shoppers. I'm not afraid to push you. I don't care if you're 79. Get the hell outta my way. Pronto.

ahhhhhh I feel much better now.

Monday, December 14, 2009

poetry at its finest

There once was a girl from newfie land,
Beautiful ocean, a crap load of snow, no sand.
She had a crazy cat,
and one who was fat,
and a boyfriend who deserved a smack from her hand.

Her family lived far far away,
None of which called to say 'hey'.
The newfies said she lived 'by da bay',
and she has plans to visit home in may.

The power company took her money.
They said she didn't pay.
At this point her life wasn't very funny.
Why'd it have to be this way?

'Fuck em all!' she thought.
She cursed them all the time.
So she went shopping a lot,
and had a vodka with some lime.

Monday, November 16, 2009

take that, Signal hill!

you know what that is a picture of?
no, I didn't think so.
it's signal hill. I ran there. A whole 6k... and now Imma brag about it till the day I die.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Dear Santa...

Dearest Santy Clause,
Here's a list of things I would appreciate for Christmas. I've been a good girl this year... unlike that girl up there ^^^ or so I would assume.
1.) A new pair of jeans (my fat ass recently shed some pounds)
2.) A pretty journal (so I can continue to curse the mailman, the staff at work and whatever poor soul who happens to cross my path on a bad day)
3.) A plane ticket (My family needs me for the holidays... and I need me some grammas cooking)
5.) Another cat (because I'm going to save the world one kitty at a time)
6.) Peace on earth

p.s would it kill you to leave some cash in my stocking?

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Leave it to the Tyra show!

Only Tyra Banks would find someone like this for her show. I aint be hatin' or discriminatin' BUT WTF. Lauren, an energetic and lovable female openly discusses her TWO vaginas. I can't speak for anyone but myself here... but I have a hard enough time dealing with one.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Novembers Sex Tips Will Forever Remain A Mystery

Okay, so here's how things generally work. I give you money and in return, you give me what I paid for. It's not rocket science. Hell, even my brain can comprehend that. I hope you (cosmopolitan) sleep well tonight knowing that I will never know your 'mind tricks that melt pounds'

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Is anyone ACTUALLY going to read my blog?

Once upon a time there lived a young lady named Amanda. Amanda was a curious human being who had many MANY bad ideas. She wasn't exactly the brightest candle on the birthday cake, but she managed to get by. Leaving her friends and family at an early age, she set off for an adventure three thousand kilometers away. Still not knowing if it was the right decision or not, she was and still IS trying to make the most out of life. Now when it came down to it, Amanda wouldn't dare to speak her true feelings to anyone... except to her trusty sidekick Leo (the orange spawn of satan who disguised himself as an adorable kitty). So with the advice of a close friend she decided to start a blog where she could open up and be her true self. Bad mouthing whatever she wanted, sharing poems and stories and best of all informing her friends and family about what she has been up to. Amanda soon married her prince, the love of her life and they spent eternity together raising lots and lots of kids and rolling around in diamonds and cash. FIN.

ok so maybe that last part hasn't happened yet... but most of my story is true.